Dr. Platt: So it really just turns into a tax on the poor. Is that really what we want?
Student: [quietly and sheepishly from the back] No.
Becca: Dania, you just have to spill out your heart to us. Just tell us everything that happened your freshman year. Especially, if you've kissed someone. [Bites her hair]
Becca: You just need to go find someone and kiss them right now! We have a camera!
Becca: Dania, change of subject. Have you AT LEAST held someone's hand?
Kristy: No, she asked us how many of us played the recorder...
Anonymous: Oh my gosh. Just because my lips have come in contact with somebody else's lips!
Michael: It's always good to think you're own funny.
Random Girl: You know what I realized? It's a very hipster thing to stay spring/summer. Like, hipsters are just drawn to it And I'm like, "Dang it."
Michael: Are you making fun of me because I'm eating my nose with my knee?
Seth: I thought about running a marathon once. And then I realized, I don't like running.
Michael: Oh, I always tried to figure out all the different ways I could flex my face.
Deb: I must be having a mini-stroke, because I haven't been speaking right all day.
Iris: How about you buy me a cookie with my own money?
Iris: I can't eat a whole foot! Of a sandwich!
Deb: It's the white toenail polish. And also that they're female. Guys have these knobby toes that are kind of hairy, and bordering on hobbit.
Deb: I could have said "feminine," and that would have been correct grammar. But why? I am outside of school.
Deb: Cause this way you don't have to build up the courage to walk in someone else's apartment.
Ken: Yeah, you just kid of walk by and window shop.
Deb: Ah, my silly T-90X keeps changing my words!
Deb: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Guys, I love witty things in the morning!
Sister Mullen: Real men have spit up on their shoulders. Real men change diapers.
Coleman: Punch bug yellow!
Coleman: In the front of my imagination!
Kessa: There is just something about being in a place with cadavers.
Jasmine: This is such a good opportunity, I can't just turn this down! It's like when someone bends over, and you just slap their butt.
Jasmine: And I didn't want him to see me not knowing what to do with my arms!
Nick: I'm already pretty independent. I mean, I do my own laundry.
Steph: I'm accidentally undressing myself in the air!
Tim: No, of course I'm not cold. I'm a man!
Jasmine: Just put your arms around me, and everything will be okay.
Jasmine: Such a happy apartment with happy lips.
Karrah: [in a creepy, gravelly voice] I'll be your first kiss!
Jaron: I can't spell in the dark for some reason.
Iris: I just wish that he was a little bit cooler. I mean, he's cool. He's cool. He's just...not as cool as me.
Kessa: [slaps MMBio notebook on the table] Meet my boyfriend!
Iris: You're gonna get a really good guy, though. Hopefully he's not gay.
Random Girl: I haven't told him about getting hit by a car yet, cause that happened this week.
Karrah: I have a picnic pretty much every day.
Jasmine: Well, Miss I'm-in-a-Happy-Relationship.
Jasmine: I thought you were normal at first. You're not.
Jasmine: If you were a boy, this would be really romantic.
Jasmine: Can you buy alcohol online if you're 20?
Jaron: It's not cheating! It's winning!
Leslie: Oh, it's okay. I'm a ninja, otherwise I wouldn't dare.
Josh: Are my pectorals soft enough for you?
Jaron: You're doing something that someone should have done a long time ago.
Jasmine: He's even marrying someone in our apartment.
Alex: And I'm still welcome.
Alex: Meh! Mebrah!
Alex: Brethren before...other people.
Deb: Forget the cake, let them eat dirt!
Wendy: Justin Bieber's coming? When is it? I wanna be out of town.
Random Guy: I still need to put a ring on it, but it's happening.
Joslyn: There should be a button, "Stare."
Dania: Have you ever heard of Flow?
Kessa: [pause] From Progressive?
Mom: It's in the 70s today, everyone's happy.
Mom: You're the best Dania in the whole world, don't die.
Random Guy: I feel like sometimes at prestigious schools, they make their buildings purposefully complicated. And then they can be like, "Did you get lost?"
And now for the Econ humor, which the majority of you probably won't find very funny at all...
Dr. Platt: Well, it turns out that producers are people too.
Dr. Platt: A more specialized company like, say, rocket fuel. There's really only one place for that to go--rockets.
[Dr. Platt telling a story about taking his son to Toys-R-Us]
Dr. Platt's son: I wish all the toys were free!
[insert conversation involving, "What do you think would happen to all of the toys if they were free?" and "Who do you think would make all the toys if they were all free?"]
Dr. Platt's son: I wish all the toys were free for me!
Dr. Platt: That parking spot over by the FOB is going to be valued pretty highly. And it's probably going to be paid by Jim Kearl.
Dr. Platt: Someone comes up to you, sticks a gun in your chest and says, "Your money or your life." Now, technically, you're still making a trade.
Dr. Platt: Loud phone conversations--especially in the movie theater--should be punishable by death.
Dr. Platt: [referencing the imaginary man on his phone in the movie theater] Dude. I will strangle you.
Dr. Platt: There's no way to know whose that is. "Here's my whale, don't touch it." This is true of all whales.
Dr. Platt: They even made a Star Trek episode out of it. It must've been a big issue, if Spok's gonna get involved.
Dr. Platt: Cows have no threat of extinction. There will not be a Star Trek about the extinction of the cows.
Dr. Platt: Not one graph! You should almost suspect that something's up! [Pause] It's not.
Dr. Platt: [talking about his car--the plum among the lemons] Literally, I'm gonna drive this thing till the wheels fall off and it melts underneath.
Dr. Platt: In some places they use really risky ways, like, excavating using nuclear weapons.
Dr. Platt: You've probably never seen a pie graph with a negative slice in it.
Dr. Platt: If there's an increase, we call it "inflation." If there's a decrease, we call it "deflation." If there's no change, we don't call it anything. We won't call it, "flation."
Dr. Platt: Some are saying we might go to $4/gallon, which means new record! Yay!