Grounded

The ground is severely underrated.

I love the ground. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just my inner child demanding to be expressed (again), but I just love it down here. I feel safe on the ground. And happy. And real.

Sometimes I remember that I'm a real person who lives and breathes--and I'm surprised! So often,  I think about what I have to do, and where I have to be, and who I'm going to be with. I think about the check lists and the deadlines. The plans and the priorities. I run around and I do all these crazy things, and I love the life that I lead. But in the process, I sometimes forget that I am a person. I forget who I am.

Some places, some situations, ground me. (Ha! Ground. Get it?) Not because the situation itself is particularly inspiring, but because it just puts me in a mindset where I can think about my purpose. They're just times where I can stop. The continual whirr in my mind slows itself down, and I remember a little more. And the ground is one of those places.

So, here I sit. I'm on the floor, and I'm wearing my crazy rain boots and my flannel, rainbow plaid, lumberjack shirt. You know what? I like being a kid.

January 2013 Quotes

Janae: I wish these were babier carrots.

Brad: I feel like gouging your eye out with your iPhone isn't the best use of the technology. You don't want to make it an actual eye-phone.

Michael: Why is your door locked?!

Dani: I am freezing and miserable.
Lacey: At least you're not in (chuckle) the French Revolution.

Ethan: I'm an extrovert. I can't just go to bed whenever I want!

Zach: I can't grow a beard...I wish I could just sneeze and have one for a day.

Lacey: He needs a haircut. His head is starting to look like a mushroom.

Girl: Those golden Oreos? My favorite. They make me feel feminine.

Lacey: I feel like this is the way our mornings go--we kind of just follow each other around and I watch you eat.

Lacey: Do you want these last two biscuits? Or should we feed them to children as we pass them in the street?

Lacey: What, are they playing Jumanji up there?!

Taylor: My married friend's fiancée. I mean...what are they called when they're married? Wife.

Taylor: I should have packed more than a bunch of white flower and chemicals.

Joe: [watching Tangled] Dude. You're setting the bar too high. I can't beat that!

Wes: It's such a manly movie, you'll cry at the end. I didn't cry, but I thought about it.

Dark Blue

Some songs demand my attention. I hear the first few notes and immediately drop whatever I'm doing. I associate it with memories and emotion, and I want to completely soak them in.

Dark Blue is one of those.

I never particularly cared for this song until my roommate, Cali, made a most marvelous comment:

"I hope my husband is like this song. I know it inside and out, every little detail of it. But it never gets old. I still get so excited every time I hear it."

And, suddenly, I can't get enough of it. All I want to do is listen to it over and over. I look it up and I put it on repeat. I should probably just buy the thing, but that is a concern for another day.

The point is that I hear this song and, in my mind, I hear those words. And for some reason those words bring me such peace and hope. Hope that someday I can find a this song to my life.

Crunch.

This morning I woke up. Late, much later than planned (much to the dismay of my dear roommate, who endured the multiple alarms going off that I, in my sleepy state of delirium, continued to reset), but it did happen. As I woke myself up with a spontaneous solo dance party to one song on repeat, I found the warmest of my running attire somewhere in the depths of my tiny college student room and pulled them on.

By the time I stepped out my door, it was 8 o'clock and the most glorious kind of lovely. The air was crisp. The sun just peering between the mountain peaks. Specks of gold seemed to flick from the snowy ground. And then it happened.

As I rounded the first corner, my foot landed in the few days old, overnight frozen, super loud crunchy snow. And it was like I was home.

Some mornings are just perfect. Even when you don't wake up on time.

Photo from Saturday's morning run. Close enough.

Flashback

I forgot what it feels like to look for my test scores on the screen of the testing center. That moment completely void of emotion--too scared to feel hope or dread. And then the moment of discovery, and instant joy, satisfaction, or the sudden appearance of a black hole somewhere in the depths of my insides.

The prayer that always follows, grateful for the opportunity to learn, to trust in Him.

And always the renewal of motivation to study harder.

Tests will be different this fall. I won't be walking back home through campus on cold, damp, winter evenings. I won't watch as the Christmas lights reflect in the puddles--at least, not in the same way.

Still, I'm excited for a new adventure. For viewing the home that campus has become in a new light. To develop new habits and traditions for myself.

And hopefully I'll be more successful with my tests than I am with soccer. I was creamed by an 8-year-old yesterday. I lost, 2-10.

June 2012 Quotes

Alex: I'm pretty sure that's an unwritten 11th commandment.

Leslie: You don't need a husband, you just need a puppy!

Leslie: Is that what boogers are? Recycled thoughts?

Jaron: You could've just sat there quietly, with your thumb in my hand. But no!

Alex: Okay, keep fluttering the eyes. It looks good.

Jasmine: At least his plane didn't crash. Then he wouldn't be texting anyone.

Steve: [to my baby cousin, Josie] You'll make a natural bartender!

Steve: Life's just not complete till you're a felon!

Alex: That's what you get for working it! I'm not sure what you're working, but you're working it.

Jasmine: They should just air condition the whole earth. Then the polar ice caps wouldn't have to melt!

Michael: Have you ever broken a butt before?

Michael: If I was a guy, I wouldn't date me.

Michael: I only sit on guys that I like.

Deb: We talk about crushes, and we talk about crinkles. Let's go one step back and call it a fold.

Tim: I'm a man, I don't use aloe vera.

Tim: I'm not doodling, I'm drawing a vampire face.

Tim: There, now it's righteous doodling!

Catie: You just snotted on my neck!
Dania: But you love me anyway.
Catie: Of course I do! If I didn't like your snot, I would've stopped hanging out with you a long time ago.

Catie: Oh, I was going to tell you about twinkling suits!

Eve: A funeral director. That's like, the opposite of a wedding planner.
Catie: No, I think that would be like a nurse...[pause]...for babies...

Catie: No, I was over on the couch by myself. Where I usually am.

Eve: That's like his Swedish Viking friend that you might meet tomorrow.

Eve: I yell "dude" like a swear word.

Karrah: I think they [men] just decided that it was uncomfortable, so they just made women wear it. "You must bear children and wear heels!"

Karrah: So much cheese, so little mouth.

Student: How comprehensive is the final?
Dr. Platt: Comprehensive.

Jasmine: Don't make us talk about bras again.
Alex: Oh, well I'd stay for that.

Dania: My workout is called standing up.

Jasmine: Alex is so weird, I'm so glad he left.
Alex: I hate that kid.

Jaron: Oh, I was just getting my healthy on.

Jaron: I need my lap buddy. Where's Michael?

Jaron: Why were you nuzzling my neck?
Jasmine: Because I love nuzzles.

Alex: Your hair is so tickley, it drives my face crazy.

Jasmine: He smiles at me like a boy should.

Deb: I'm gonna start going this way, and then down and over. Like a typewriter!

Vanese: I smell like tears!

Deb: [cough] I still have sandpeople in my throat.

Jaron: I'm gonna go eat ice cream and probably massage someone.

Jasmine: I'm waiting for you to get back into your book so I can slurp again.

Jasmine: I'm not trying to be annoying, I'm just trying to drink my ice cube.

Jasmine: Seriously, and you thought I was weird for making out with an ice cube?

Alex: I'd rather find a javelin and throw myself upon it.

Jasmine: You just ned someone to hel you with your backside.

Jasmine: I love some wit in the afternoon.

Tori: I always smell delicious. I also always look beautiful.

Tori: So, apparently he was asking me on a date and I didn't know it...How am I ever going to go on a date if I don't even know they're asking me on one?!

Tori: My thumbs are already losing circulation and will have to be amputated. Then how will I press the space bar?

Mom: And you're not good with adjustments. No offense, but you suck at it.

With Everlasting Truth

"Of all the creations of the Almighty there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley, here

And sometimes that's all that you need to hear. 

A Long Time Ago

"Let's now consider the effects of a change in monetary policy. To do so, imagine that the economy is in equilibrium and then, suddenly, the Fed doubles the supply of money by printing some dollar bills and dropping them around the country from helicopters."

You guys, my Econ textbook was hilarious. Every so often I look back to that class and think fond things, but I'm mostly just glad to be done with it. I still don't know what my grade is, and to be entirely honest, I don't really mind not knowing. Sometimes it's just best to live in ignorance.

On another note, I am becoming quite the Star Wars nerd. Remember Number 28 on my bucket list?

Consider it completed.

My world has been forever changed. I will get the chills every time I hear this song, and whenever I sit down to watch a show I will wish that I owned a copy of all six episodes--or, at the very least, Episodes IV, V, and VI. So, if any of you wished to make my birthday, or Christmas, or other present-giving occasion...now you know how.

Just sayin.

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Conference Weekly here.

Living Life

“Texting isn’t real life.”

For one reason or another, this phrase has been in my head a lot lately. I think we sometimes think that we are building bridges, developing relationships as we text. And, to an extent, that is true. But I feel like the more I text a person, the more distant I become. Gradually, it becomes less of a conversation between me and another real person, and more between these two…beings. More a conversation between the phones than between people.          

Beyond that, have you ever noticed how we are expected to be constantly connected? I remember that I once planned to delete my Facebook account. (That was actually when I started a blog—I figured this would be a more constructive use of my time.) It wasn’t long, though, till I realized that I simply couldn’t do that. Deleting my Facebook account would mean losing all form of easy, quick, and mindless communication. Deleting my Facebook would mean never knowing about an event, missing my friend’s mission farewells, and being a general out of the loop.

And to a high schooler of barely 17, that was a big problem. It was also a big problem to my mom, who certainly wasn’t in high school anymore. In fact, it seems to be a big problem to most everyone in the world. Ever had someone complain to you, “I wrote on your wall and you never responded!”?  You weren’t connected enough. Automatic stamp of “failure,” right there on your forehead in big, red letters.

In one of my recreation management classes, we discussed that we are often offered different forms of leisure that are, as the textbook puts it, “trivial at best.” They are activities that offer us minimal amounts of happiness—a temporary fix of sorts. But the problem with temporary fixes is that they’re temporary, and pretty soon you need another dose. It doesn’t take long before these little things start to look an awful lot like an addiction.

My big challenge is anything that connects me to people. Texting, Facebook, blogs, etc. I justify them. “I’m developing friendships, I’m supporting people,” I say to myself. But wouldn’t it be better to actually be with that person? Seeing “(hug)” on a phone screen just isn’t the same as an actual hug. We, as human beings, are meant to be connected by more than electronics.

I go through phases. Normal consumption of these activities gradually leads to excessive consumption, which eventually reaches a point where it scares me enough to cut back—so far back that I feel under connected, so I pick back up again, a little at a time. And so it goes, the seemingly neverending cycle.

But, hey, they’re just little things here and there, right? I mean, I’m still getting things done as I go throughout the day.

Well, kind of. The problem is that it so interrupts everything I do. They’re just little things here and there, but they don’t allow for me to think things through anymore because they’re so chopped up by buzzing phones and email dings and Facebook chat pops. I specifically remember thinking to myself during finals week last semester that I understood how everything in Stats worked, but I couldn’t quite see the connection through it all. Well, no wonder it’s all disconnected—I jumble it up as I go. I read a section, respond to a text message. Finish a problem, check my Facebook. Little, tiny things that don’t take much time but certainly do interrupt any kind of rhythm I was getting down.

The same thing happens all day long. I sit in my classes and ideas are sparked. “What if…” I begin to wonder. I start forming ideas all the time—emphasis on the start. But then what happens? I get busy. I run off to the library to study, then to the testing center. I’m in class, at work, on the phone. Always doing little things all day long. Always rushed. Always off. Always doing the next little thing. But when do I get a chance to sit down and make something big happen? It’s pretty rare.

I may be getting a lot done, but do these things add up to anything? Are these little things, here and there, worth what I am sacrificing? Are they worth what we are sacrificing?

I wonder what kind of a society we are creating. Advances in technology—that sounds like a good thing. But there has to be an opportunity cost somewhere. As we’ve repeatedly learned in my Econ 110 class, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” So, what are we losing when we have all the gain laid out before us?

           

Thoughts. I think that we are losing the ability to think things through. To reason. To deduce. To create. Now, I’m not saying that we should forsake all advancements and spend our days reading Thoreau in the forest. (Though that actually does sound lovely at the moment. Let’s pretend that finals aren’t in two days and just read in nature instead.) But I am saying that we must be deliberate about what we allot our time to. We have to be intentional about it, because the path of least resistance is certainly not taking us anywhere that we aspire to be.

           

So what do we really want? I know what I want—I want to think, to grow, to experience. I want to be someone and something bigger than an accumulation of little things. I want to be someone that does and means something larger than a text message. I want to have ideas—I want to come up with solutions. I want to make an impact. I want to reach the end of my life, look back and see that I truly lived.

I have a goal, and I’d love for you to join me. No more space-filler checking for updates on anything. I will break the habit that my fingers have developed to (command+T-->f-->enter) and find myself logged into Facebook and scrolling down my newsfeed without even realizing it. I will learn to leave my phone in my backpack for a few hours at a time and be okay with it. I will not lose my life to the imagined world filled with emoticons instead of emotions, and I will not interrupt my time with real people for something so trivial and impermanent as technology.

             

The world is so beautiful. Everywhere, there is such beauty. And we forget about it. And I forget about it. I want to see that beauty more often—more readily. I want to feel it. I want to remember it. I want that beauty to be a part of me and of who I am.

I will let it in. Will you?

Shot.

Okay, let's just establish something right now. I really am the lone, wounded gazelle, wandering around the Serengeti. (Recall this post if you're confused.)

Today, as I sat in peaceful solitude in a secret, unnamed place on campus--remaining secret and unnamed so that none of you can come and disturb me in my peace and solitude--a car drove by. Okay, given the location, that wasn't terribly out of the ordinary. However, the woman sitting in the passenger seat was practically falling out of the window as she leaned out with her gigantic camera, snapping shots of who even knows what.

I'm sure she wasn't taking pictures of me. I mean, there was a lovely little bit of landscaping behind me, and I'm just a student lounging around in my natural habitat. Nothing special. But then again, I'm sure the gazelles think the exact same thing.

In the end, we'll probably never know.

Truth in Stillness

I didn't really want to move here, you know. It scared me. I don't know what it was, but something was holding me back. It was foreboding, it was unknown and unfamiliar. But the stronger I pulled away, the more distinctly I was pulled in. For all the holding back that I did, for all the pulling and squirming away, there was a constant, steady peace that filled me. As if to say, "You know, Dani. You already know."

And I did. I knew that I needed to move here. There was a purpose. I was at a loss as to what exactly that purpose was, but there was a reason bigger than what I had eyes to see.

I probably still don't know what that purpose is, but this much I do know: I love where I live. I love the people that I am surrounded by, and I am happy.

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Conference weekly found here.

May 2012 Quotes

Iris: He sat on me! And, what was I supposed to do? I gave him a wedgie.

Dr. Platt: So it really just turns into a tax on the poor. Is that really what we want?
Student: [quietly and sheepishly from the back] No.

Becca: Dania, you just have to spill out your heart to us. Just tell us everything that happened your freshman year. Especially, if you've kissed someone. [Bites her hair]

Becca: You just need to go find someone and kiss them right now! We have a camera!

Becca: Dania, change of subject. Have you AT LEAST held someone's hand?

Kristy: No, she asked us how many of us played the recorder...

Anonymous: Oh my gosh. Just because my lips have come in contact with somebody else's lips!

Michael: It's always good to think you're own funny.

Random Girl: You know what I realized? It's a very hipster thing to stay spring/summer. Like, hipsters are just drawn to it And I'm like, "Dang it."

Michael: Are you making fun of me because I'm eating my nose with my knee?

Seth: I thought about running a marathon once. And then I realized, I don't like running.

Michael: Oh, I always tried to figure out all the different ways I could flex my face.

Deb: I must be having a mini-stroke, because I haven't been speaking right all day.

Iris: How about you buy me a cookie with my own money?

Iris: I can't eat a whole foot! Of a sandwich!

Deb: It's the white toenail polish. And also that they're female. Guys have these knobby toes that are kind of hairy, and bordering on hobbit.

Deb: I could have said "feminine," and that would have been correct grammar. But why? I am outside of school.

Deb: Cause this way you don't have to build up the courage to walk in someone else's apartment.
Ken: Yeah, you just kid of walk by and window shop.

Deb: Ah, my silly T-90X keeps changing my words!

Deb: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Guys, I love witty things in the morning!

Sister Mullen: Real men have spit up on their shoulders. Real men change diapers.

Coleman: Punch bug yellow!
Karrah: Where?!
Coleman: In the front of my imagination!

Kessa: There is just something about being in a place with cadavers.

Jasmine: This is such a good opportunity, I can't just turn this down! It's like when someone bends over, and you just slap their butt.

Jasmine: And I didn't want him to see me not knowing what to do with my arms!

Nick: I'm already pretty independent. I mean, I do my own laundry.

Steph: I'm accidentally undressing myself in the air!

Tim: No, of course I'm not cold. I'm a man!

Jasmine: Just put your arms around me, and everything will be okay.

Jasmine: Such a happy apartment with happy lips.

Karrah: [in a creepy, gravelly voice] I'll be your first kiss!

Jaron: I can't spell in the dark for some reason.

Iris: I just wish that he was a little bit cooler. I mean, he's cool. He's cool. He's just...not as cool as me.

Kessa: [slaps MMBio notebook on the table] Meet my boyfriend!

Iris: You're gonna get a really good guy, though. Hopefully he's not gay.

Random Girl: I haven't told him about getting hit by a car yet, cause that happened this week.

Karrah: I have a picnic pretty much every day.
Jasmine: Well, Miss I'm-in-a-Happy-Relationship.

Jasmine: I thought you were normal at first. You're not.

Jasmine: If you were a boy, this would be really romantic.

Jasmine: Can you buy alcohol online if you're 20?

Jaron: It's not cheating! It's winning!

Leslie: Oh, it's okay. I'm a ninja, otherwise I wouldn't dare.

Josh: Are my pectorals soft enough for you?

Jasmine: Shhhh.
Jaron: You're doing something that someone should have done a long time ago.

Jasmine: He's even marrying someone in our apartment.
Alex: And I'm still welcome.

Alex: Meh! Mebrah!

Alex: Brethren before...other people.

Deb: Forget the cake, let them eat dirt!

Wendy: Justin Bieber's coming? When is it? I wanna be out of town.

Random Guy: I still need to put a ring on it, but it's happening.

Joslyn: There should be a button, "Stare."

Dania: Have you ever heard of Flow?
Kessa: [pause] From Progressive?

Mom: It's in the 70s today, everyone's happy.

Mom: You're the best Dania in the whole world, don't die.

Random Guy: I feel like sometimes at prestigious schools, they make their buildings purposefully complicated. And then they can be like, "Did you get lost?"

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And now for the Econ humor, which the majority of you probably won't find very funny at all...

Dr. Platt: Why would governments do this if it's all very common sense? There are a couple of answers, based off of how cynical you want to be.

Dr. Platt: Well, it turns out that producers are people too.

Dr. Platt: A more specialized company like, say, rocket fuel. There's really only one place for that to go--rockets.

[Dr. Platt telling a story about taking his son to Toys-R-Us]
Dr. Platt's son: I wish all the toys were free!
[insert conversation involving, "What do you think would happen to all of the toys if they were free?" and "Who do you think would make all the toys if they were all free?"]
Dr. Platt's son: I wish all the toys were free for me!

Dr. Platt: That parking spot over by the FOB is going to be valued pretty highly. And it's probably going to be paid by Jim Kearl.

Dr. Platt: Someone comes up to you, sticks a gun in your chest and says, "Your money or your life." Now, technically, you're still making a trade.

Dr. Platt: Loud phone conversations--especially in the movie theater--should be punishable by death.

Dr. Platt: [referencing the imaginary man on his phone in the movie theater] Dude. I will strangle you.

Dr. Platt: There's no way to know whose that is. "Here's my whale, don't touch it." This is true of all whales.

Dr. Platt: They even made a Star Trek episode out of it. It must've been a big issue, if Spok's gonna get involved.

Dr. Platt: Cows have no threat of extinction. There will not be a Star Trek about the extinction of the cows.

Dr. Platt: Not one graph! You should almost suspect that something's up! [Pause] It's not.

Dr. Platt: [talking about his car--the plum among the lemons] Literally, I'm gonna drive this thing till the wheels fall off and it melts underneath.

Dr. Platt: In some places they use really risky ways, like, excavating using nuclear weapons.

Dr. Platt: You've probably never seen a pie graph with a negative slice in it.

Dr. Platt: If there's an increase, we call it "inflation." If there's a decrease, we call it "deflation." If there's no change, we don't call it anything. We won't call it, "flation."

Dr. Platt: Some are saying we might go to $4/gallon, which means new record! Yay!

Come Unto Ourselves

There are weeks when it's the little things that keep you going. Good friends, a loving family, and a most glorious and beautiful Gospel to pattern my life after.

I am so blessed.

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Conference Weekly here.

Campus Safari

"And on your right we have the Harold B. Lee Library, as you can see..."

There are these golf carts that drive around campus with families all loaded up, ooing and aahing as they take their pleasant little tours. It's all fine and good. But I have to admit, sometimes it makes me feel like a giraffe. Or an elephant. Or maybe a lion.

Sometimes, it just feels like these people are on an African safari, driving around campus to observe the students in their natural habitat. So when I'm that lone student cutting through the parking lot, I start thinking about how I'm that stunned gazelle, standing and staring, knowing full well that it's being watched. And also knowing full well that there's nothing that can be done.

Next time I'll just take off running. Maybe they'll start chasing me. And boy, I would have a good story to tell then, now wouldn't I?

Photo Credit

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Conference Weekly found here.

Scarcity

For the sake of time, and my lack thereof, I will forgo the sharing of a memory for the time being. Currently my memory is being consumed with thoughts like this:

Photo Credit

And you know, to be entirely honest, I don't really mind. Even when I am unbelievably behind in every way, I quite enjoy this class.

You guys, I have to tell you something. I love my major.

More on that later as well. For now, it's back to the books.

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Conference Weekly found here.

April Quotes

Shayne: [singing] Happy birthday, full of tears and sadness!

Andrea: [gasp] We're gonna go in a car?!?!

Random Guy: Well, at least you're confusing. I mean, he hasn't figured you out yet.

Dania: Cadbury eggs do not count as an impulse buy!

Iris: Can I get my bean soup?
Shayne: No, you cannot get your bean soup. You have to listen.

Dania: At this point, I just can't even tell time apart anymore. Like, days and months feel the same to me.
Christian: Pretty sure days and months aren't the same. Maybe like, weeks and weeks.

Iris: [to Christian] If you had hair, that would've been really funny.

Iris: [speaking as if she were Hunter] I can't see you with my earphones on!

Iris: That's not a drink, that's diabetes.

Hunter: Shayne. You can't just put yourself in the fridge. You won't fit.

Alan: She does have cooties! That doesn't mean I can't be in love with her...

Andrea: I know this is random...but can you guys see the people in my knees?

Shayne: No, but I was dancing around in the handicapped stall!

Shayne: Let the sinner be the first to cast the stone...wait...
McCall: I'm a sinner!

Shayne: I need to pray. Profusely.
Dania: Like sweating. But with prayers.

McCall: I had another cat, Holly, but we put her to death.

McCall: We also used to have these guinea pigs--
Dania: Did you put them to death too?
McCall: No! They stayed alive.

Shayne: I don't need friends, I got a salad!

Shayne: You should have honked your tail lights or something!

Shayne: He's dated everyone in our apartment, except Iris.
Iris: That's because I'm Mexican.

Andrea: I feel weird drinking out of a bowl.

Iris: Dania, you need to get married. All this cuddly needs to be unleashed.

Iris: I feel like he's coming back too soon. I mean, I haven't gotten any skinnier.

Iris: You're so obsessed with mail, and you don't even have an address.

Dania: I like being homeless.
Iris: Yeah, I've never eaten this good!

Dania: [while trying to frown] My lips are quivering!

Dania: [to Iris] We are so funny. If you were a boy and we got married, we would be everybody's favorite couple.

Bronwen: I haven't seen a sunburn like that since the last time I saw you sunburned!

Seth: I don't put anything in my journal. NOt even writing.

Catie: Your teeth are absurdly close to my cheek.

[At the same time]
Dania: Put a shirt on!
Iris: Beautiful men!

Iris: It's okay, I forgave you a long time ago. And yet, I still hold a grudge.

Kessa: I am graceful when I'm not a klutz, thank you.

Nicole: Roommates are couples too.

Dr. Platt: If you find yourself enjoying this and you want to take more classes about it, chances are, you might have a particular kind of brain damage that would make you want to be an economist.

Dr. Platt: If you find yourself excited, keep going! You may find wonderland.

Dr. Platt: I dropped the negative sign. Economists have an annoying habit of doing this. I apologize for our whole profession.

Steph: You need butter in your diet! And your chex mix...

Andrew: What's the worst that could happen? You fall on your face.

Dr. Platt: But whether you use the chicken for the eggs or for the meat makes a big difference. Especially to the chicken.

Andrea: My hair gets stuck in my eyelashes until I can't see. And then I'm just blinking hairballs.

Andrea: Sometimes I wish I was a vegetable addict, but then I don't.

Shayne: CATCH MY FREAKING DRIFT, BROTHER!

Iris: I just wanna cryyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Or maybe, sing a song.

Kessa: I don't understand why boys don't just drop and worship her. Oh, well, okay...maybe that's sacrilegious. But still!

Iris: [through a full mouth] If I'm not eating, I'm not happy. That's the end of story.

Iris: I like your hair like that. Keep it. Don't ever wash it.

McCall: Every time I think of the word "flesh," I think of a cheese grater grating skin.

Iris: You guys. I want to eat ALL THE TIME. Tell me what I must do to not eat.

I am Strong Enough.

There are days when everything is overwhelming. There are days when it's all too much, and all you can do is sit down and eat spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter and chocolate chips. There are days when all you need is a storm--pouring rain to wash everything away. And sometimes, on those days, the clouds will come.

But sometimes they don't.

I turned the shower into a rainstorm. An absolute downpour. I stood with my face in the stream, coming in so fast that I hardly had time to get a breath before my mouth filled with warm, soothing, cleansing water. And as I stood there, barely breathing, I remembered something.

We were sitting in Stats 121 auditorium last semester, waiting among 700 other students for class to start. "I love seeing the moms go back to school," she said, as a woman in her 30s walked down the aisle a few rows down. The truth of that statement resonated within me. I remembered a time before.

Sitting outside the testing center--panicked as I studied for my first test of college. More like crammed. More like stared blankly at the heaping pile of notes I had yet to memorize. Somehow, through the frenzy, I entered a conversation with another freshman girl and a back-to-school mom. She made the both of us swear that we would graduate now, that we wouldn't let anything stop us. "Don't let those boys sweet talk you finishing later," she counseled us, "And do NOT start popping out those babies until you have graduated." Finish now, she told us. Before we have a family to look over, and bigger bills to pay. Before we're asked to commit to more than planning a church activity once a semester. Before life gets even crazier. And, as she spoke, I remembered something else.

I remembered my mom, being that very same. She was once the back-to-school mom. She was the one walking down the aisles of the classroom, waiting for class to begin. She was the one sitting outside the testing center, dreading walking up those two flights of stairs and handing over her student ID card. She may have been counseling young girls like me, I don't know. But what I do know is that with every step that she took on this very campus, she was an example and a source of strength to everyone around her--especially the young girls, just starting out and feeling very overwhelmed. I know because that is what those moms are to me now. They're a symbol of hope, in a way. They remind me that I can do it, that there is a very real and a very important purpose in it all. That life will certainly get harder, but it will also get better. They remind me that beauty always increases, and that we never stop seeking growth in ourselves--not for anything.

When my mom graduated from Brigham Young University, I was in middle school, and I didn't fully appreciate the enormity of what she had just accomplished. I got a new dress, we took a billion pictures, and we probably celebrated with a delicious meal at some point or another. It was an exciting day, and, despite the fact that I had no idea what she overcame, I was proud of my mom.

I've never been one to draw strength from those that came before me. I guess it was never much comfort knowing that someone else could do something, because their circumstances and situations and entire persons were completely different than mine. But as I stood there, face aimed straight into the shower head, tears of gratitude mixed in with the water pouring down my face. I thought of those moms--I thought of my mom--and I knew that I was strong enough. I knew that there was a purpose. I knew that I not only could overcome, but there was a reason to overcome. That I am working towards something bigger and more beautiful than what I have eyes to see right now.

For the first time in my life, I have found comfort, power, and motivation in the words, "If she can do it, so can I." So thank you, Mom, for living the rainstorm that washed away my doubts. You have shaped me in more ways than you know.

Fresh Air

Windows closed.

In every sense. Well, maybe not every sense. I mean, it's not like all the opportunities in life are closed off or anything. But just that all of the windows in my apartment are always closed. The blinds, the windows themselves, closed.

And I just think that it's really odd. It's lovely outside. Why not let a little of the lovely in? You know?

Plus it's just really stuffy in here.

So, I've taken it upon myself to open windows as I go by. The moment my roommate leaves, I open our bedroom window. When I'm cooking in the kitchen, I open the kitchen window. I bask in the fresh air that doesn't smell like carpet cleaner and the stale stench of fragrant food still hanging thick days later. I hear the birds and the soft wind chimes. Ah, I think to myself, much better. And it is.

I leave the room for one reason or another, and by the time I've returned, the windows are closed again.

I can't help but laugh to myself. I just think it's funny.

{Nostalgia} The Reality of Reality

I didn't sleep that night.

I was too busy shoving everything I owned into white trash bags and plastic bins.

My move-in time was 6 AM, it was about midnight, and I had only just begun packing. My mind was intensely focused on those trash bags--on my clothes going into them, on the stack of my belongings growing in the corner. Somewhere in the very back of my mind was that nagging, that fear. I guess you could really just call it reality. But I was so determined to ignore that uncertainty that I buried myself deeper and deeper into those garbage bags, furiously packing, with an occasional pause to look around, to reminisce.

I lived with my aunt and uncle that summer. About 20 minutes from where all the goings on were happening, since everyone I knew hadn't moved to Springville with me. I worked full time at my dad's dental office, and kept one of every kind of outfit in the trunk of my car. In hindsight, I realize that reality came more gradually than it felt like it did. It just pretended to not see it until it was all that I could see--shielding my eyes to everything but the last speck of innocence until that, too, had faded.

I was scared. I didn't admit it to myself or anyone else, but I was absolutely terrified. So much was ahead, and I didn't know anything. At 5 AM, my sister and I loaded up my uncle's old beater truck, and I spent the entire 20 minute drive in filled with an emotion that came nothing short of ecstasy because I had so missed driving a stick shift. We pulled into the lonely parking lot, and spent a good half an hour searching for someone--anyone--who could help me check into my new home for the next eight months.

I didn't want to call the number that was posted on every single door. I didn't want anyone to have to wake up at my expense. But, when it had been long enough, I finally caved under the logic that the phone number was posted for a reason. Five minutes later, an RA had walked me through the basic mechanics of a fire extinguisher, and I had a key to my apartment.

We made it into the apartment just fine. But, try as I might, I could not get the key to turn in my bedroom door. I sheepishly called that poor man again, asking if there was a magic trick to make the door open. He came to help and quickly informed me that I was trying to open the wrong door.

Tori will never let me live that down.

This is my, "What are you doing over there?" face.

The reality of it all is that it was always reality. Every moment just as real as the next. Every moment growing and climbing and learning. Falling, too. In fear or inadequacy. But always picking back up and continuing onward.

Still, this moment felt especially real. Starting something absolutely new. I was on my own, but I came armed with a drive to succeed that came from who knows where. I guess I'll have to find it again, though, because this is going to happen all over again on Monday.

And even though I've done it before, I don't feel any less afraid.

---------------------------------

Conference Weekly talk found here.

Baby Steppin' it Along

Like the ever-diligent college student that I know you all believe me to be, I woke up long before the sun rose a few mornings ago to write my second to last paper of the entire semester. While persistently writing, I took a wake-myself-back-up break and searched my kitchen for any food that might have my name written on it. I hadn't (and still haven't) gone shopping for food to put in my freezer for quite some time, but I thought I'd check again. Just in case.

And you know what? Normally all I see is my roommates' ice cream and frozen goodies. But oh, this day was different. For on this day at precisely 5:43 in the AM (maybe not quite so precisely, but around that timeish) I discovered this little beauty:

Words will never be adequately capable of describing the excitement I felt. I simply could NOT wait until it was lunchtime and I could gobble down this microwavable delicacy. But I had to. I mean, there are papers to be written, classes to be attended, and breakfast to eat before it was time for lunch. My goodness, I couldn't just skip straight ahead to lunch with so many things to accomplish beforehand!

But eventually lunch did come. However, I have a question for you all. Maybe you have more wisdom than I. As I read the instructions for cooking my meal in the microwave oven (I contemplated the conventional oven for all of 30 seconds, when I realized that my roommate was already using the oven and I would have to wait an additional 12 minutes to the already prescribed 25 of cooking), I came across some...interesting instructions. I thought I'd share the joy.

And I quote:

1. Cort y retirela la película que cubre el filete de--

--Now wait just a minute, I do not speak Spanish. How am I supposed to underst...oh, I found the English instructions. Here we are:

1. Cut and remove film cover from beef steak and potatoes. Microwave on HIGH 3 minutes.
2. Stir potatoes. Microwave an additional 2 to 2 1/2 minutes. Microwave ovens below 1100 watt may require additional cook time to reach proper temperature. 
3. Let stand 2 minutes. CAREFULLY remove as PRODUCT WILL BE HOT.
4. Check that product is cooked thoroughly. Internal temperature needs to reach 165ºF as measured by a food thermometer in several spots.

Now, I would just like to explain the things that are my favorite about these instructions. I would also like to continue to phrase my sentences as awkwardly as possible.

Moving on. 

I am a big fan of the words that they have chosen to bold or type in ALL CAPS. But it makes me wonder, if those words are the most important, shouldn't we just save on ink and only print those words? 

1. Cut remove Microwave HIGH
2. Stir Microwave Microwave ovens below 1100 watt

And so on. Let's be considerate of the environment here, people.

My other favorite part of these highly informative instructions is the small print found on Steps 2 and 4. I know I memorized my microwave oven wattage the moment I set foot in my apartment--safety first. And I'm sure that, by now, we are all aware of the fact that a food thermometer is a must-have when it comes to microwave dinners. Again, safety first.

Oh! While I'm on the safety track, don't forget to wear your helmets, safety belts, turn off the sink while brushing your teeth, and look both ways when you cross the street. Barney has a song to teach you about the importance of these things, so if you can't quite remember why it's important, contact me and I can provide you with a catchy little ditty to help you out.

Let's just baby step our way on through life, shall we?